I’m Still Standing
Last week was a tough week for me. I am not sure why. There may not be an explanation. I wondered if it was because I saw Michael’s name etched in stone that made his passing more real than it has been.
I found myself re-hashing all of my unanswered questions, the ones I will most likely never get answers to. Many of them begin with why. Why did Michael leave us? Why are we having to go through this? Why didn’t he receive a miracle to be healed? So many questions. I feel overwhelmed at times. Seth is learning to drive and in 3 years he will graduate high school and there is the college application process. All of this was Michael’s area of genius not mine.
I ask a ton of “why” questions. But I never question why God brought Michael and I together. I know without a doubt in my mind that Michael was my soulmate, the love of my life. So, if I believe what I have been taught, that God knows everything about us, then He knew that this is where I would be, God knew that I would be a widow at 50 years old. I have been prepared for this and I will find the strength to move forward.
Everyday since the 1st of the year my son, the other young man I take to school every day and myself come up with an “I am” statement for the day. For example; I am strong, I am patient or I am joyful. You get my drift. It’s a statement that we cling to for that day. Yesterday Ben said “My I am is I’m still standing” We discussed where that phrase came from. Its from and Elton John song called “I’m Still Standing” the words to the song are
“I’m still standing better than I ever did
looking like a true survivor
feeling like a little kid”
That day all 3 of us chose the same I am statement, I’m still standing.
This is what I aspire to. I aspire to look like a true survivor and feel like a little kid. But for now, I can say I’m still standing. One of Michael’s favorite sayings was “That which does not destroy us makes us stronger.” Michael’s death has devastated us, but it did not destroy us, eventually it will make us stronger. For now, we can say that we are still standing, still moving forward and still honoring Michael in everything that we do.