The 2nd year really IS harder than the 1st

The 2nd year really IS harder than the 1st

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This whole grief and widow thing is new to me. As I stated in some of my previous writings I NEVER wanted to be in this position. Sometimes it gets really tuff to stay positive and smile. You know, I did everything right. I stayed true to my wedding vows, I advocated for Mike, I took the very best care of him that I possibly could and I prayed everyday for a miracle. Why weren’t we lucky enough to get a miracle? The miracle that we prayed for everyday that would restore his health and keep him here with us so that we could grow old together. Why am I being punished?

I made it through the 1st year which meant the 1st time of everything alone. All of the holidays, Seth’s sporting events and scholastic achievements. I did it all with a smile on my face so that others would be ok with where I was. We changed some of the holidays up so that it would make it a bit easier on us.

The day of the 1st anniversary of Michael’s passing came and went. I am not sure what I was thinking. Maybe I was thinking that something magical would happen on the 1st anniversary. I thought that I would wake up and the pain would disappear and the hurt would be gone. I really thought that I would be rewarded for good behavior. Well I was sadly mistaken! The hurt didn’t disappear and Michael’s absence was even more apparent.

I remember hearing that the 2nd year after loosing a loved one was harder than the 1st year. I wondered how that could be? But I have found it to be true!!! The 2nd year is harder than the 1st year. It’s almost like the newness of Michael’s death has worn off. Everyone has continued on their path with their loved ones. I look and see that my path will never be the same. EVERYTHING is different never to be the same again. The days seem longer and darker and the winter seems never ending. I just really can’t explain it but the 2nd year is definitely more difficult than the 1st.

I straddle the place of trying to remember everything about Michael and our life together and trying to forget him all together hoping that would make the hurt disappear. There really is no easy answer so we do what we can.

But everyday we get up and keep moving forward. We work hard to honor Michael in everything that we do. I often look at Seth and say “Your dad would be so proud of us!” We have continued to move forward in spite of the pain and the hurt. We talk about Michael all of the time and we keep making the new memories that we know that he would want us to make, even without him. I continue to tell myself that I am not the 1st woman to loose my husband and I won’t be the last. This path has been walked by many before me that have made it and so will I.